Hospitals in TV Bug Me Now :(

Does anyone watch Emily Owens M.D.? It's this cute doctor show with Mamie Gummer, Meryl Streeps' daughter (she is an amazing Oscar winning actress, the mom I mean). Anyway, I sat down to watch the second episode with my mom and the show is in a hospital of course. There was a scene where the doctors were talking to the patient and I just couldn't take it. It was weird, but emotionally I just....I was just fed up with hospitals. Seeing a patient's room just brought back memories of lots of tests, poor nights of sleep, and the caged in feeling from seeing the same four walls. I told my mom, I turned to her and said "I can't watch this, it's too soon". She understood, but I didn't know that's how I felt. It was strange. How long until I can watch doctor shows? I happen to like  a few, but I don't know if I will ever see them the way I did before. Not after experiencing it. That was just a weird moment, to have this overwhelming emotion of fear and disgust and almost worry that I would have to go back, I didn't know that feeling was there, and to be brought up by a simple entertaining show. I'm not saying they mistreated me as the hospital, but it wasn't all raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. It was not my favorite things.

Clothes

I remember reading in someone's blog about how when we dress we are expressing ourselves. Sorry if my hospital spiels are getting annoying, it's just that that has monopolized my month really. Anyway, I haven't had a fashion sense this whole month because in the hospital I just wore a simple t-shirt and sweats, with the occasionally detested hospital gown. Nothing too expressive. And now that I am home I am still wearing that stuff. I think it's because I am not trying to make an impression at school or on the world that I don't mind, but I do miss wearing cute clothes and getting compliments. I feel frumpy these days, probably due to lack of energy to some degree.Furthermore, I haven't worn jeans all month! I love jeans, and I even tried to put a pair on to see a movie last week but because of my abdominal swelling from the infection, they didn't fit. So I am stuck wearing sweats and shirts and hoodies. When I get better, fully recovered I mean, I am going to wearing something just amazing! Being able to express yourself through clothes is a pretty sweet deal. Can't wait to wear MY clothes again. Sweats and shirts could be anybody.

....Theatre

Sorry to those reading this, I'm not trying to sound like I'm ranting about my troubles, but another thing that really upsets me about this whole being sick thing was that I missed all the shows to "Hello Dolly!", the musical at our school. The musical is my absolute favorite production at CPHS and I have done it all four years and had the most amazing experiences, but this year it just got away from me. The chance to be backstage working with an amazing cast and crew, the chance to build friendships and meet new people, bringing cupcakes on opening night, going to cast parties, having my fist cast party, staying out past midnight for the first time because my parents trusted me and even lent me a car: I was going to do all those things. That show would have been so much fun and I am upset that I missed the chance to do those things and have those memories. And I am not trying to sound mean, but truthfully when my sister came to the hospital that one Saturday and was going on and on about how much fun the cast party was the night before or about a prank the techies pulled, I just felt jealous that she got to experience. I had worked really hard on that show, I was even going to dance in one of the songs, and I ended up getting sick and wound up in a hospital. Life's unfair that way. I guess I will just have to help out with the musical next year or just not get sick for the other productions. :P That would be ideal. Theatre really is my passion, and being stuck in a hospital away from it made me realize how much I missed it and yearned to be a part of it. If it had been possible, I would have escaped from the hospital, found my way to the school, and do a show. But I was too sick. It just baffles me that I missed every single show! Come one! :P I can't complain though, I am alive and getting better. Stuff happens, and it's how we deal with it that changes us. Being sick is also impeding on my One Acts exposure. Not to happy about that, probably cannot get involved till January. Oh and did you hear? My play that I wrote last year got picked, it's one of four. Hooray for that! :)

Time Moving Slow

It was really strange to get out of the hospital the night before Thanksgiving and see snow on the ground. Those 13 days in the hospital and even the week before that when I was home ill was on a different kind of time I swear. Being-home-sick-time was slow and I honestly don't remember that week. Then hospital time is also slow, has a routine, and is kind of a constant, boring, repetitive state of being. Days blended into other days, I don't remember what happened on what days. My memories on hospital time are jumbled up. I just thought it was interesting, time can be experienced in different ways. I miss school time, the time that I had gotten used to with 5 days of school then building up anticipation for the weekend. In the hospital, a day was a day. Weekends were just days, nothing special. I guess that made time even slower. Furthermore, when I did get out, I discovered that the world had kept going. Well, duh, but it was so strange. It's already Christmas time. When the heck did that happen? Thanksgiving just kind of plopped into my lap and now I hear holiday music and there is snow and I am wondering "where did my life go?" The pretty much spent the entire month of November being sick and it just baffles me. Life got away from me, but I am going to get well and wrangle it back. :)

Vroom Vroom

This is going to sound weird, but one of the things I miss most since I am sick is driving. Being able to hop in a car, control the beast, and speed down a road to a destination. I was also just getting to the height of my car responsibilities with my parents meaning I could use the car for just about anything, and then I got sick. I can't really drive with a PICC line in my arm and I might be a danger to others with my nausea and constant abdominal pains.....so yeah. No driving for awhile. Sad face. That's not selfish is it? It's a simple joy to a teenager's life. One of the many perks. Oh well.

Growing Up

This whole being super sick and in the hospital experience really has impacted my life and myself. My parents keep telling me that I've grown up a lot in the past month. Not only do I look older because I lost weight in my face, when I was super super sick I looked gaunt (it was scary, kind of like an anorexic super model, not good), anyway but I have had to adapt. For example, that first night I was in the ICU and it was unclear as to if I would get better or worse, my dad slept there the whole night. It wasn't pleasant for him but he needed to be there for any last minute decisions. The next night, after my family had visited, they made it clear that they were not going to be sleeping at the hospital anymore. My mom said it was better for everyone to sleep in their own beds and she asked if that would be okay. I made a worried face and though in my head "no, that's not okay. Don't leave me". Not to sound like a baby, but I was actually scared and even felt a little abandoned those first couple of nights. I was in a strange place, I was really sick, and didn't know what would happen to me. In a sense though it's good my parents didn't baby me and stick around. I am 17 after all and going to college next year. I guess this was just a wake up call. Now I am totally fine with sleeping away from home. My siblings on the other hand though...It was weird for them for me to be out of the picture, just gone. Poof! When I go to college I don't know what they'll do. :)

I am a Vampire!

Well not really...But I did get a blood transfusion in the hospital, something that I never imagined doing. The irony, well to me at least, is that I gave blood one time last spring. I was curious as to how it worked and wanted to be a good person, give some good blood to a sick human in need. I never thought I would be a sick human in need of a few pints of blood. Funny how life works like that. Now in my head I am thinking "Oh no! I have only ever given one pint of blood. I just got two pints. I am one in the rear!" A silly thought, but when I am healthy and have the energy, giving blood is high up there on my to-due list. I know, I am strange. :P